Germania-Cat Almost Gets Laid
by Kittyreaper
Summary: Germania is in town for a meeting with the Roman Empire, so Rome-cat embarks on a not-nearly-as-epic-as-he-wants-it-to-be quest to get between a brooding, Germanic feline's legs. Rated M for sexual sort of themes (though not smut), and just to stay on the safe side. I have no idea why I wrote this.


**Pairing(s) mentioned: Rome x Germania**

 **Warnings: Sexual themes**

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I gaze longingly into stunning, amber eyes. Seductively messy, hazelnut fur of an average length covers the sex kitten of my affections, a break in brown only existing where a red ribbon sits around a soft and fluffy neck. I grin and lick my paws, admiring my reflection in the mirror. A cat this gorgeous only deserves the best out of life; I'm talking grade-A fish from the Mediterranean sea, daily baths with lovely-smelling oils, plenty of tummy rubs from my owner, and beautiful cat women! Yes, I'm truly the greatest and most handsome cat to ever live.

"Salve, little one!" I purr happily as my equally amazing owner scratches between my ears, "I need you to be good for me today, alright? I have another meeting with Germania, so I'm going to be gone for a while." He laughs as I briefly lick his fingers, "That tickles! Anyways, Germy seemed pretty mad at me the last time we talked, so I'm going to fix that. Have fun, but don't trash the house!"

The Great Sir Roman Empire makes his exit and an impish smile grows on my lips. If Germania's in the area, then that means his cat is too. With one final lap at my arm, I stand and head towards a large window near the corner of the room, my tail swaying lazily behind me. With a shake of my butt, I leap onto the windowsill. I don't normally use my claws, much less for things that could easily cause them to break, but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do! Hoisting myself onto the ledge, I release a loud meow. I look down.

Man, that is quite a long drop to the ground if I mess up.

Let's do this.

With an adrenaline-infused smirk, I begin to shimmy my way onto one of the several support pillars beneath me. For a terrifying moment, I almost lose my balance and fall, but I quickly regain my senses, claws returning to latch onto a decorative stone leaf. I take a few deep breaths, tightening my grip on the sculpture. Then, when I feel ready, I oh so carefully move a hind leg. My nails sharply dig into the marble as I adjust so that both of my feet are attached to the straight lines of the pillar, my hands still on the luxurious pattern garnishing the top. I once more glance to the ground. I really need to stop sneaking out from the second floor.

Eyes wide and fangs gleaming, I let go of the leaf.

For a short while, I free-fall with no cushion beneath me, nothing to spare me of a horrible demise. The wind ruffles my fur and I reach all four paws in front of me, grabbing ahold of the pillar, significantly slowing my descent. I stop myself mere centimeters from hitting the walkway below. I jump the final stretch with a flash of teeth and a wink, causing a small group of nearby cat ladies to swoon. However, I'm not here for the women. For now. Obviously, I'm coming back later.

With a spring in my step, I prance off in the direction of the city's outskirts.

"Ugh, I can't believe I agreed to this… " My owner paces back and forth in one of the simple tents tacked down a short distance from Rome. He mutters incomprehensibly to himself as he frets his heart out. I've long since figured it's not a good idea to try and cheer him up, lest he decide I need another check-up with the camp's doctor. It's not too strange for me to purr for him in the hopes he stop worrying, is it?

We both pause in our respective thoughts as a flap at the tent's entrance shifts open, a tribesman coated in furs and leathers standing at attention.

"Yes?" The personification of Germania prompts stiffly. I don't think the human can see the look of pure, unadulterated dread shining in my owner's eyes.

He responds, "The Romans are here."

The blond's lips twitch downwards, breaking his cool façade for only but a moment, before returning to their naturally emotionless line. "I'll be there in a little bit."

The human nods and leaves, my owner waiting until the other's fully gone to turn to me, "I will not be in the tent for awhile. I will still be just a few tents over. Do anything stupid, and I can assure you that you _will_ get caught, and sufficient punishment _will_ be in order."

On that strict note, he sulks off to see the Roman Empire. If the other's truly as bad as his cat, I can only wish Germania the best of luck in dealing with that buffoon of a nation. Speaking of, surely my owner's neighbor would have told the obnoxious feline of this meeting. This can only mean one thing: I am to expect the rileing of my fur by an annoyingly flirtatious self-proclaimed 'sex kitten.' I am not happy.

I sigh. Oh well. At least I _hopefully_ have a little bit longer to be by myself. I lay down on the nest of blankets my owner and I have been sleeping amongst along the road, green eyes blinking shut. I take even, deep breaths, allowing my mind to go blank, and just as I'm about to fall asleep-

"Germania-cat!" I groan and hiss at the intruder. My glare lands upon another feline, a gleaming grin on his face.

"Go away," I bare my fangs with an angry growl.

"Aww, come on!" He slides to be against me with a sickeningly sweet smile, "You know you missed me."

I swipe my claws at him. "Whoa!" He gives a jovial laugh, "Someone's grumpy!"

"I said to go away, Rome-cat," I repeat with gritted teeth.

"But, my dearest barbarian," His smile seems to darken, become more devious, "Don't you remember the last time we saw each other?"

I narrow my eyes and ball up my paw at the memory, "That was a one-time thing. I am not interested in doing… _that_ … again."

I watch as the brown house cat pads back to me with a swish of the hips. His eyes narrow purposefully throughout his approach, and he rubs against my side with a purr, putting his face near my tensed ear. "Now, now, beloved, we both know that's a lie."

Is it just me, or is it getting harder to breathe in here? Also, is there a fire going on nearby? It feels like one of the humans has set up a campfire. I'm fairly certain I ate something bad earlier; strangely, my stomach is acting up. It seems to be heavier than usual. Is it normal for a cat's cheeks to go warm without cause, because as far as I know-

Rome-cat licks my ear.

 _Sheisse_.

My entire body freezes at the sensation. Sheisse, not this again! I swear, one day I'll find sufficient proof of his witchcraft, and then I'll never have this dastardly spell put on me again. Wait, this is a spell, right? After all, it's not like it's particularly common-place for someone, even a cat, to feel like _this_ around another, correct? Besides, he's Roman. Who knows what crazy, evil, magic-related things he could be capable of. Just a short while back, Britannia-cat turned one of my owner's people into a toad! Witchcraft is incredibly malicious, as well as the only thing I can think of that could make me so uncomfortable in mere seconds. There is simply no valid reason to trust Romans.

"Germania-cat, you're not responding!" He whines a mewling complaint, coupled with a short nuzzled to my neck, "Are we going to fuck or not?"

 _And yet, I'll always say yes._

I hiss again, this time more forced, but before I have the chance to answer-

"Well, that took less time than I thought- HEY WAIT A SECOND, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"HONESTLY, ROME, I GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE, ONE LAST CHANCE TO _TALK_ , AND YOUR GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SCOUNDREL OF A CAT TRIES TO CORRUPT MY OWN!" Germania yells at the Roman Empire in a harsh, angry tone, their cats sitting somewhere in the background. Rome-cat is trying to convince his blond, shaggy companion that the nations won't notice if they make it quick.

"Germy, please! I swear on my good looks, I didn't know he ran off!" The other exclaims.

He scoffs in response, "Ja, _sure_ you didn't! He just snuck out of the window, didn't he?! Oh, and I bet it was from the _second floor_ , no less!"

Neither hear the sheepish 'meow' released by the cat with a red ribbon tied about his neck, continuing right on with their argument. "Waah, but Germania-"

"Nein!" The collection of tribes interrupts, "No 'buts!' No 'ifs,' no 'ands,' and certainly no 'it-wasn't-my-faults!' This is exactly why I find you so- so _infuriating_! You can't just keep living your _fabulous_ life without a care in the world; you need to be more responsible!"

"But Germy-" This time, to the puzzlement of the other, Rome cuts himself off, gazing intently at their cats. "Hey, Germy, do you think my cat and your cat are in love?"

"ARE _WHAT_?!" The barbarian nearly screams, "WHAT IN WODEN'S NAME COULD _POSSIBLY_ MAKE YOU THINK THAT?! AS FAR AS I KNOW, MY CAT HAS NEVER SEEN YOUR CAT BEFORE IN HIS LIFE! TO BELIEVE THAT THEY- THAT THEY ARE- IT'S COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND FLAT-OUT IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Aww, but Germy, don't you think they'd make cute kittens~?" The brunette of the two grins, "Just imagine, my cat's good looks coupled with your cat's masculinity: the epitome of feline sexiness! Their offspring would get _all_ the gorgeous cat ladies!"

"THAT IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY GOING TO BE A THING!"

"But why not? Who are we to stand in the way of perfection?"

"MY CAT'S A _MALE_ , YOUR CAT'S A _MALE_ , AND TWO _MALES_ CANNOT GIVE BIRTH!"

At this, Rome pauses. "Are you sure?"

"AM I SURE OF _WHAT_?!"

"Are you sure your cat's a male? Germania, I sincerely hope you know that, even in cats, guys biologically can't have penises that small-"

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FINE!" He throws his hands into the air, " _Fine_ , we'll check to see if they're both men, if only to stop that sentence from continuing!"

And so, much to the cats' distress, Germania and Rome spend the next half-hour forcefully fondling their balls to be certain of their gender, and, subsequently, their inability to have kittens. Afterwards, Germania-cat doesn't look the tribe-nation in the eye for a week. Rome-cat comes to the conclusion that hand-jobs aren't always sexy. Both decide that their owner's are terrible people.

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 **A/N:**

 **Guess who thought it'd be funny to write a one-shot thing about Nekotalia Rome x Germania? Guess who loves the idea of Rome-cat referring to himself as a 'sex kitten?' Guess who legitimately 'laughed out loud' while writing the last paragraph? Guess who came this close to skipping to nine months later, in which Rome freaks out about Rome-cat giving birth to a litter of kittens that look suspiciously like Germania-cat?!**

 **The answer to all of the above is 'Kitty.' I think this shows exactly how terrible of a person I really am.**


End file.
